Redneck Personal Hygiene
- - - - - - - - - -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of good money.

Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Redneck Driving Etiquette
- - - - - - - - - -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer, too.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

You must have a bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading."

Redneck Dining Out
- - - - - - - - - -
When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Entertaining in Your Home
- - - - - - - - - -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table... no matter how good his manners are.

Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Dating (Outside the Family)
- - - - - - - - - -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."

Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 p.m. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

If the girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, a water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.

Redneck Theater Etiquette
- - - - - - - - - -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Wedding Etiquette
- - - - - - - - - -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions
- - - - - - - - - -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered in poor taste to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Redneck Murders Are Hard To Solve
- - - - - - - - - -
All the DNA is the same.

There are no dental records.

One of my favorite funnies that works its way around the net from time to time is "Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Please think of the kittens." So I thought I round up some of the ones I've seen. If you come across new and/or better versions, please send me a note and I'll put them up.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a Chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for a junked car and appliances?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

Bonus advice:

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest Domino's and place an order for delivery. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

The Top 39 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, no matter how much they've had to drink & no matter how far from the South they've wandered

39. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex
38. Duct tape won't fix that
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken
35. We don't keep firearms in this house
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog
32. I thought Graceland was tacky
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe
30. Wrasslin's fake
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians
27. Do you think my hair is too big? 26. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds
22. Deer heads detract from the decor
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today
19. Trim the fat off the steak
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso
17. The tires on that truck are too big
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad
15. I've got it all on a floppy disk
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
9. Checkmate
8. She's too old to be wearing a bikini
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen
5. I don't have a favorite college team
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer

And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a Southerner say is,

1. Elvis who?

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element has been named "Governmentium". Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction which would normally take less than one second - to take over four days to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration called Critical Mess. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Adminstratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

The following excerpts are taken from , a site that site allows contributions of real-life work-related experiences ...

New company policy: You cannot work at a job that is rated higher than your current competency level. You cannot be rated at a higher competency level until you have worked at a job rated at that level. You can not improve your competency level through training.

---

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."

---

A group of us got together concerning the lack of merit increases this year (even though management got theirs). We made up a bumper sticker and stuck it on the Boss's new Lexus. It reads, "How's my managing? Call 1-800-NO-CLUE!"

---

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above"

---

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"

---

I worked for a Boss who sent a memo to his assistant to investigate the possibility of cancelling the fire insurance and buying a used fire truck for the employees to man.

---

To my previous Boss of 3 painful years: I worship the ground that awaits you.

---

My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected.

---

Quote from a recent interview: "You are a top flight candidate and I see that you have a lot of education. However, you understand, that intelligence is not really required for this job."

---

My Boss is a lot like a single sperm: there is a one-in-three- million chance that he will ever become human!

---

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say."

---

How About Friday: My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."

---

Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.

When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired -- and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it.

Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out -- directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.

A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.

---

Stick With Me: Our consulting group received a new manager. She recently had received control over another business line as well, which gave her a sense of power and grandeur. In the very first meeting with her she told the group "Stick with me! I am building an empire at this company, and I am going to need little people like you to be Kings and Queens!"

---

I am not making this up. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company:

"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!"

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.

9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it.doesn't mix well with thorazine."

8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?'

7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.

6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time 'planning' your vacations.

5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's Crystals.

4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.

3. Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.

2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

1. Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.

The next time you get a rejection letter from a hoped-for employer or publisher, just send them the following:

Dear [Name of the Person who signed the Rejection letter]:

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me [employment with your firm/a contract to publish my book]. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Name of the Co or Agency that sent you this letter]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting [applicants/manuscripts], I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate [employment/ publishing] with your firm immediately following [graduation/job change, etc. -- get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future [candidates/manuscripts].

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions, it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes." This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

"You get this one, next round is on me."
[We won't behere long enough to get another round.]

"I'll get this one, next one is on you."
[Happy hour is about to end... now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.]

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
[I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.]

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (female)
[I'm easy.]

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." (male)
[I'm gay.]

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
[I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.]

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
[If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?]

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female)
[You are paying more attention to your friends than me.]

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male)
[I'm horny.]

"Who's got the next round?"
[I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.]

Excuse Me." (male to male)
[Get the fuck out of the way.]

"Excuse Me." (male to female)
[I am going to grope you now.]

"Excuse Me." (female to male)
[Don't even think about groping me,just get the fuck out of the way.]

"Excuse Me." (female to female)
[Move your fat ass.Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho . . . Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.]

"What do you have on tap?"
[What's cheap?]

"That person looks really familiar."
[Did I sleep with him/her?]

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
[I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.]

"I don't have my ID on me." (female)
[I'm 19.]

"I don't have my ID on me." (male)
[I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.]

"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"PREFERRED PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT:" You're walking into a company that isjust a little better than spending the day in hell.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED:" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain tha tway).

"APPLY IN PERSON:" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Are you tired of the mushy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a "friendship" poem that really speaks to true friendship and truth itself!

FRIEND,

When you are SAD, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are BLUE, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you SMILE, ...I know you finally got laid.

When you are SCARED, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are WORRIED, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are CONFUSED, ...I will use little words to explain it to yourdumb ass.

When you are SICK, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

When you FALL ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'till the end. Why you may ask?

Because you're my friend!

P.S. A friend will help you MOVE.........A REALLY GOOD FRIEND will help you move a body.

After applying some simple algebra to some trite phrases and cliches a new understanding can be reached of the secret to wealth and success.

Here it goes.

Knowledge is Power

Time is Money and as every engineer knows, Power is Work over Time.

So, substituting algebraic equations for these time worn bits of wisdom,we get:

K = P (1)
T = M (2)
P = W/T (3)


Now, do a few simple substitutions:

Put W/T in for P in equation (1), which yields: K = W/T (4)

Put M in for T into equation (4), which yields:

K = W/M (5).

Now we've got something. Expanding back into English, we get:

Knowledge equals Work over Money.

What this MEANS is that:

1. The More You Know, the More Work You Do, and
2. The More You Know, the Less Money You Make.


Solving for Money, we get:

M = W/K (6)

Money equals Work Over Knowledge.

From equation (6) we see that Money approaches infinity as Knowledge approaches 0, regardless of the Work done.

What THIS MEANS is:

The More you Make, the Less you Know.

Solving for Work, we get

W = M x K (7)

Work equals Money times Knowledge

From equation (7) we see that Work approaches 0 as Knowledge approaches 0.

What THIS MEANS is:

The stupid rich do little or no work.

Working out the socioeconomic implications of this breakthrough is left as an exercise for the reader.

Due to budget constraints, the following policies are effective immediately regarding employees traveling on official business.

Transportation
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and the lowest possible fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. You will then be required to obtain transportation onto Seattle at your own expense.

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be kept to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as General Nutrition Centers and Piggly Wiggly stores, often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may often be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If a restaurant must be utilized, travelers should seek establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for members traveling together, as a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on travel. Cans of tuna fish, SPAM, pork-n-beans, and beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

Entertainment
Entertainment while traveling on official business is to be discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer visits, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the tab". Such actions will save the company money and convince the customer that we are concerned about spending money on providing a good product, not on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of coffee and doughnuts, picnic benches will be placed in parking lots next to dumpsters. In addition, garden hoses will be available so that liquid refreshments can be provided to our guests.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save the company money. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods. In support of this idea, "red caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips by helping other travelers with their luggage. Small plastic roses will also be available to employees so that direct sales may be made as time permits between flights.

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.


And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him.

After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

Everytime the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

Dear Associates:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.


TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?


TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.


TRY SAYING:
Really?

INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!


TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.


TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.


TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?


TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.


TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?


TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.

INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.


TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.


TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.


TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary


TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.


TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.


TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?


TRY SAYING:
I see.

INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.


TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.


Thank You,
Human Resources

These are the Top 10 ways to be the "Funny Guy" in your office:

10. Keep telling the same person they have bad breath even if they don't, and then punch them in the face.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the sympathy remarks, tell everyone how you were just kidding and tell them that they are all a bunch of fucking queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. Then during the meeting, put one finger in the air and make a noise like you are hocking up a loogie. Then spit the custard into a glass and hand it to the person next to you and say, "Beat that."

7. Inform a male coworker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker." Then piss in his coffee and tell him that he needs a good ass fucking.

6. Always walk around with a big smile on your face and keep one hand down your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with "Fuck if I know" then call the person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your nuts. Get them all sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hands.

3. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it, tell them it is the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up, and realize that their hand is covered in shit, laugh at them and point at them and call them a fucking asshole.

2. Run down the hall with your dick out while pissing all over and yell, "It won't stop! Help me!" Then when it stops, look down and say "oh"

1. Ask to borrow someone's pen. Bring it into the bathroom and stick it in your ass. Take it back to the person you borrowed it from and ask them to smell it. When they tell you that it smells bad, tell them, "It should. I had it in my ass."

I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer, and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that anymore. The reason she is so sad is that I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt except when I go to sleep.

The doctors gave me an artificial body. My body is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us havin' no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money. Mommy doesn't work because she said employers don't hire crying people. I said, “Don't cry, Mommy,” and she hugged my burlap body. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap, and it chafes her real bad.

I hope you will help me. You can help me if you forward this e-mail. Dr. Johansen said if you forward this e-mail then Bill Gates will team up with AOL and do a survey with NASA. Then the astronauts will collect prayers from school children all over America and take them up to space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me better then.

Maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Or maybe just use my lungs and heart, when the doctors make them. The doctors said that every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can take another prayer to the angels. Please help me. Mommy is so sad, and I want a body. I don't want my leaves to rot before I turn 10.

If you don't forward this e-mail, that's OK. Mommy says you're a mean heartless person who doesn't care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that she hopes that you stew in the raw pit of your own guilt-ridden stomach. What kind of wretched person are you that you can't take five lousy minutes to forward this to all your friends so that they can feel guilt and shame for the rest of their day, and then maybe help a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy?

Please help. This really sucks. I try to be happy but it's hard. I wish I had a puppy. I wish I could hold a puppy.

Thank You,
Billy 'Smiles' Evans,
The boy with just a head.
And burlap sack for a body.